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Twinkin' Out with Red Mage
Twinkin' Out with Red Mage is an RPG help desk run by Red Mage Statscowski. Readers are encouaged to send an email to Red Mage asking for help on popular role playing games such as Dungeons & Dragons (but not Final Fantasy since Red Mage hasn't heard of it) and Red Mage answers these questions in his web column. There are currently 49 episodes written, however the episodes have since been removed when the Nuklear Power website was revamped on the 1st April 2009. As of January 2010, all 49 episodes can be found at Nuclearpedia (Offline as of 4/18/12) Episodes #All Great Journeys Begin With A Single Column #Electric Boogaloo #In Which Red Mage Finds a Heffalump #A New Hope #This Time It's Personal #Six Six #Superfight Spectacular #The Octavo! #Epic Level Column #With Great Columns Comes Great Responsibility #Meet Ryan "Red Mage" Sosa! #Suppressed Transmissions #All new, All different RM column #Column of Cthulu #OMG Xiticx Rush! #Carpe Columnum #Red Mage Explains It All #One Column to Rule Them All #The Essential Guide to Everything #Changes... #The Column That Launched a Thousand Airships #Errata! #RM column 3.5 edition #Red Mage's rainy day fun column #Typed in Front of a Live Studio Audience #Pixelated Eyes, Nonexistant Mouths #The Brotherhood of the Hat #A Rope of Sand #Red Mage Forever #Superfight II #In Surroundsound Where Available #Better Red Than Dead #LOOK! I WROTE A COLUMN ALL BY MYSELF! #Are you Phoenix Down with RPG? #All Gogo All the Time #Magery at its finest #Red Mage in space! #Red Mage Uncensored #Assault on V-Day #Titles are Hard #Wherein Red Mage Says a Naughty #Column of Champions #The Greatest Column Ever Told #Superfight Spectacular Part Again #Superfight Spectacular Part Last one for '04 #Return of Red Mage #Do not adjust your monitor #Set Phasers to FUN #Red Mage Auto 4 #From Hell's Heart I List At Thee Common Ways Red Mage is Addressed *To the Reddest of Red Mages *Dear dat one guy from dat one place dat one time... yeah *Dear Red Mage (with the pimpin' hat!) *Oh mighty master of the 3rd Edition *Revered Stat God Redus Magius *He who is oh so a Jedi Pimp *Dear Physical Incarnation of MAD SKILL *Dear febreze dude *Dear Red-Magic GOD *Dear Bearer of the Feathered Hat *Dear Master of Red Mages *Good morrow Great Red Mage of Red Magery *Dear Redest of the red magus *Dear bi-magical one *To My Red Feather Hatted Hero *Dear He of the Pointed and Plumed Hat *To the master of min/max, the sultan of stats, the red bambino... *Dear Vermillion Sorcerer *Dear Mage of Redeosity, etc *Hail to three the Mage of the color that has a 750nm wave length (Red) and person who has min/maxed with the best of them *Dear Master of min/maxing, sultan of side quests *Hail O mighty user of bi-partison magic *To the living embodiment of 8-bits of pure stat bonus filled sezzy goodness *O crimson-clad master of the arcane arts of twinkism *Dear Mage of the Color of the largest Suns, Coke Cans, Cars that Gets Pulled Over More Often, the Best Sox in Baseball, Dante from DMC's Jacket, and screw this it's getting annoying. Examples of the column -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How did the Febreeze people invent Febreeze, the only thing that can fix more problems than duct tape and preparation H combined? The idea was divinely inspired. Febreze came down from on high, bathed in pure light and said, "Be ye not afraid, I am in all things without odor. Seek me there." And then they discovered, I don’t know, a chemical or something and marketed it toward frustrated housewives. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have I taught you people nothing? Lincoln trumps all. If he reunited the union, he can do anything. Just so everyone knows though, the hierarchy is as follows:Lincoln > Febrese > Mindless Green Hulk > Spider-Man > Me > Robots/mechs > ninjas > Tolkien crap > Getting your hand stuck in a Pringles can. John Wilkes Booth can beat Lincoln, but only under extenuating circumstances. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is there in fact any way to kill C'thulhu?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is my opinion that raisins were discovered completely by accident and are not meant to be consumed -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why couldn’t Song and Silence, the Bard and Rogue book have been called Lutes and Loots? Ahem, anyway... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Venerated aficionado of the crimson thaumaturgical propensity My quandary emanates from the utilization of considerably protracted and incomprehensible vocabulary. This has instigated a communal obstruction with other associates of the surrounding populace. Could you outline a plausible itinerary to aide in the resolution of the current and fore-most predicament? Beholden in merit, Lord Magus Cypraxis X. Wildfire P.S. - Have you had any luck with initiating a lucrative conglomeration? with individuals hailing from the Febreeze Corporation? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Dear Red Guy with the Feathery Hat! Some relationship problems have recently reared their ugly head. Party A, being me, has a long time crush on party B, being a female friend. Now the problem is that a friend of party A, we will call him party C, likes party B too! Well if that is not enough a friend of party A and B, we will call her party D likes party C. Now party C doesn't know party D likes him because party D thinks that party B might like party C. But that is not the case. So party A is totally confused along with party B. This all results in a bad situation in which Romance=(A*B+C*B+D*C). Now when I use the formula of women=time*money, time=money, women=money^2, money=sqrt(evil), women=sqrt(evil)^2, therefore women=evil. Now when I substitute that for B and D. I get Romance=A*Evil+C*Evil+D*Evil. When we take out the Evil we get Romance=Evil (A+C+D). Using the addition property we end up with Romance=Evil(B+A+D). So does this mean that Romance is evil*bad? What should I do about all of this mess? Should I retake algebra? Sincerely, Mathematically and Romantically Confused!?" Destroy Party C with a bladed weapon no longer than half the height of the tallest party keeping in mind that Party A is three inchest taller than Party D and their combined height is 1.8 meters. Now you can get to party B. The problem is that Party D is now sad. So buy Party D a train ticket to the beautiful city of Orlando, FL. Meanwhile, Party A has to hijack another train and drive it into the train that Party D is on. If Party D's train leaves its point of origin at 2pm and travels at an average speed of 83mph and Party A's train leaves its point of origin at 3pm and travels at an average speed of 98mph, at what point should Party A leap from the train to avoid being killed in the wreck? See? Simple. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Four-Colored Mage How much corn could a vargouille shuck if an vargouille could shuck corn? Please convert to a much more understandable answer, like, corn/second, also, please disregard the fact that a vargouille has no limbs, {which seriously hinders any initiate/skill/shucking/knitting rolls}. I need this answer for and essay I have to finish any help would be appreciated. -Mumbo Jumbo I hate you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear RM, I have come up with the ultimate weapon, and I need some assistance in pulling it off. First, we train a dinosaur to be ridden by a ninja. Then, we also teach it to ride a hoverboard and fire an Uzi. We make it a cyborg and give it a mutant brain 3x the size of the smartest human on earths. Now, we also send it to Yoda for 6 months of power-leveling in the art of Jedi. We can teach it to hold a lightsaber in its tail, but that doesn’t come standard. Now, we take the disembodied spirit of a pirate, and banish him into the realms of the dinosaur’s body. Now, if a ninja riding a cyborg-pirate-jedi dinosaur riding a hoverboard and shooting an Uzi were to make an attack on a febreeze factory guarded by 100 Lincoln clones led by Lincoln himself, I feel that he would stand a very good chance of winning. Unless samurai Lincoln got involved. Damn you samurai Lincoln, damn you! umm...I think the question was about money or something for the dinosaur plan, but I don’t remember, so uhh.....my lvl 4 dwarven bard uses his swim skill in a puddle of his own drool and drowns. is that a noble death, or just shameful? Sincerely, an upstanding citizen, definitely not one with plans of creating some horrible mutant beast to overthrow the febreeze-infested lincolnic government. This... this is so cool I am at a loss for words. I think I want that scene on one of those collector plates, you know the ones with heart warming pictures on them that were never designed to be used as an actual plate. I want that plate and I want to give it to my mom for mother’s day. I’ll be the best son ever. As for your question, it’s a shameful death for dwarves, a noble death for gnomes, and an everyday occurrence for Halflings. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Dear red mage, In a recent column you mentioned that in a fight between snap, crackle, and pop, and the keebler elves, that the keebler elves would win. This shows an ignorance of not only the nature of snap, crackle, and pop, but also of the dark, seedy underworld of the entire cereal mafia. It is, then, my mission to educate you on the dangers of the cereal “mascots”, and the organization they create. -Vincente Leprechaun A.K.A. “Lucky” One of the higher ranking lieutenants in the mafia, he supplies all the drugs to the various dealers. He buys them in Mexico with his “pots O' gold” and then smuggles them over the border in his balloons. Viciously ruthless, he slaughters all who stands in his way with gleeful irish charm. Also rumored to have connections to the I.R.A. -Vittorio “Smacks” Frog The main heroin dealer, he recieves his supplies from Lucky and the distributes them to his clientele. As with all the drug dealers in the mafia, his brand name cereal is a “gateway” cereal. -Tony “The Tiger” Loretti The enforcer for the mafia, and personal bodyguard for Wendell. Has been known to run extortion rackets for the mafia as well. Prone to violent mood swings, most likely due to massive intakes of steroids. (“They're Grrrreat!”) -Wendell “The Baker” Forcezi The head of the mafia, he rose to power after assassinating his two brothers who previously ruled jointly with him. When asked about their whereabouts, he only replied, “They're toasty. Real toasty. And cinnamon flavored too.” Incredibly brutal, he runs the mafia with an iron fist. -Sonny “Cuckoo” Cartola Deals crack cocaine. High strung, and extremely unpredictable. Considered by many to be a loose cannon, he is kept on a tight rein by Lucky. -“Snap, Crackle, and Pop” Torelli The three legendary hitmen of the cereal mafia. Also known as “The Butchers of Bakersville”, it is estimated that they have killed over 200 people in their bloody career. Their real first names are not known, as they were given their nicknames early in their career when they opened fire on a high level meeting of tv spinoff cereal mascots with their trademark thompson submachine guns. They have even been known to pose in commercials with them. -Luigi “The Captain” Crunch Not so much a member of the mafia as an ally, he is a dictator who has taken over Crunchland. He systematically murders the crunchlings who he rules, and harvests their bodies for use in his cereal. He has since evaded human rights inspectors by claiming the “crunch berries” come from “crunch berry trees”. He also has run a disinformation campaign against the CLO (crunchling liberation army), portraying them as green monsters. I hope I have raised awareness of this criminal organization, and the threat it poses to society. -The marshmallow man” ----------------------------------------------------------------------